My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
