You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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