Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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