Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
