I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
