I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
