I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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