Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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