My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Farmville is her only friend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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