Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
