drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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