I'd wear matching sweaters with you
from now on my penis is your penis
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
