Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
