why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
