My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
