i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
