Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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