There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
