A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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