I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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