The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
