He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
