So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
