M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
