I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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