dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
