I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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