haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
