so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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