dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
