How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
