I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
