I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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