just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
