So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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