I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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