i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
