I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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