the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
