What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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