I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
