Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
