Apparently you make a good broom.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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