The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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