He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
