Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
