jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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