I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
