Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
