Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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